I think most people are familiar with the latin phrase ‘Cogito Ergo Sum’ which means ‘I Think Therefore I Am’. It’s from Rene Descartes ‘Discourse on Method’ from 1637.
What very few people would know is that it was also my 1st tattoo. I got it when I was 16 and had just discovered Albert Camus, Jean Paul Sartre and of course Descartes. In one fragile year of intellectual discovery I effectively shut down my emotional self and discarded any possibility of a spiritual life. I reasoned that all I needed was to trust in myself and my logic and if I couldn’t see it, it wasn’t real. I became one of those very annoying “Bullet Point Atheists”, my arguments were literally only skin deep.
It didn’t take long before I realized that I didn’t have the knowledge to back up my arrogance and I stopped showing people my tattoo. I felt like a fraud to have that phrase on my arm when I didn’t even really understand what it meant. The idea of what it represented was what I was attracted to. I didn’t want to acknowledge my emotional side (too painful) and as far as spirituality went, I felt truly abandoned by any kind of God. That only left logic and reason.
My teen years were challenging, it sucks to be a teenager no matter who you are but I don’t think I had the tools to handle the challenges that came up. My feelings were dark and depressive during that time, I know I retreated into a world of reason & knowledge, not to learn but to hide. I couldn’t handle the loneliness of those years and I reacted to the environment I was in by shutting out anything that could hurt me.
For 13 years that tattoo was a real regret on my part. Whenever anyone saw it I would pray they didn’t know what it meant, I would always make up random meanings for it to change the conversation. I was so embarrassed of what it represented, while I felt like a fraud when I was younger, I felt like an pretentious idiot as I as got older. I realized that trying to live in just one domain (mind) for so long was limiting my growth and joy. If I wanted to really engage with the world I needed to be comfortable in my own skin, and that meant learning to be comfortable with my emotions. It also meant I had to get that damn tattoo covered!
Well the tattoo is long gone, I had it covered by a Japanese pagoda 10 years ago. It took a while to step into my emotional self and feel okay, it’s a work in progress, but the work is really satisfying. In the last 18 months I have really found my spiritual side. Meditation has become a very important part of my life. Through meditation I’m feeling the connections all around me and it’s amazing.
I think about that 16 year old kid who got a dumb tattoo to show the world he didn’t need to be vulnerable or to be protected. I used to feel sorry for him but I don’t feel like that anymore, I’m proud of him. That tattoo was his shield and I‘m proud that he did what he had to do and he made it through.
jb
Growth comes through the challenges of our experiences, after all – challenges and contrast show us all the choices we can make. Appreciating the challenges and the pain of yesterday is what creates the strength of today and the power of tomorrow. Having sensitivity and being kind to ones self during the exploration is the sign of a maturing and growing soul. Thanks for writing this piece that is personal for you. To me, it reveals how clearly sensitivity and strength are connected for us all.